‘Ello again!

I am putting moi plan into action. Knowing that, unlike Moles, squirrels are none too bright, and are easily led by their stomachs, I decided to entice them in using nuts as bait. Unfortunately, The Boy appears to have neglected to bring any hazelnuts with him! He brought all sorts on unnecessary stuff loike books, but fell far short of moi expectations on materials for plottin’. No matter, oi am a resourceful Mole, and I soon realized that his newly opened jar of peanut butter would serve the purpose admirably. To reduce the possibility of the squirrels missing the scent, oi opened the windows, then smeared peanut butter on the curtains, and finally left a trail of dollops across the floor towards moi patent squirrel trap.
The trap consists of a loop of string on the floor in front of a piece of paper on which oi have written a large number of complex terms and conditions regarding the use of peanut butter in college grounds (these are completely imaginary, of course, but everything else here seems to have bizarre and ancient rituals and rules, so these won’t stand out at all). As you probably know, squirrels are easily confused by legal matters, so while they are studying them, oi should have plenty of time to yoink the string tight and bag moiself a loyal servant. Failing that, they might soign the document, including the cunningly concealed “obey the Mole” clause. Either way, I’m the winner – what could possibly go wrong?